The Purest Love
by Artema
Summary: SLASH: Not the most original premise. Remus and Sirius learnt the truth in Shrieking Shack but can things ever be the same between them?


Title: The Purest Love  
Author: Artema  
Pairing: Sirius/Remus  
Rating: R  
Feedback: Would make me very happy  
Disclaimer: I'm toying with them. I don't own them. Everything you recognise is J.K. Rowling's. I do however; own the plot (or my excuse for one)  
Warnings: This story is SLASH that means men loving men. If you don't like that sort of thing don't read it.

Dedications: To Dawnatello for the lovely words of encouragement and the wonderfully thorough beta.

Summary: You never forget your first love, even if you want to.

Remus Lupin sighed as the office door clicked shut and Harry Potter began to make his way back to Gryffindor tower.

He was so very like James and without wanting them to – Remus' thoughts were immediately catapulted back to his own schooldays – Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. He didn't want to think about those days, didn't want to think about James – Prongs, because thinking about James inevitably led to thoughts about Sirius – Padfoot! His thoughts rarely strayed far from Sirius Black. No matter how hard he tried to hate him for his betrayal of James, Lily and Harry – the same thoughts returned again and again – the same images. It didn't make sense – Why Padfoot?

He could picture him clearly – the face from twelve years ago – the face he had loved – the face of the man he still loved because as a werewolf he was destined to love him forever regardless of his crime. That was his life sentence – his punishment for falling in love with a traitor, a spy. Sirius might have spent twelve years trapped in Azkaban but he was imprisoned in his own way and unlike Sirius he could not escape.

He sometimes wondered if Sirius was still able to recall the times they had spent together but he supposed the dementors had sucked those thoughts out of him – they were happy thoughts weren't they?  Or were they? Maybe they weren't that important to Sirius.  Sirius had never really loved him had he? He couldn't have, he betrayed me, he betrayed us!

He had thought about Sirius so much more now he had escaped, if that were possible. He wondered how he had managed it when no one else had ever been able to. He wondered if he was still nearby, whether he was still after Harry, whether he was using the passages they had discovered on the marauders map to get into the castle.

He also wondered – mainly because he could not stop himself from doing so – whether Sirius was all right, whether he was getting enough to eat – the shelter he needed and he hated himself for caring. Sirius didn't care about him – why should he care about Sirius?

Werewolves mate for life. Werewolves mate for life. He repeated the phrase over and over again in his head like a mantra. This was the fact that made him curse the werewolf that had bitten him so many years ago, this fact more than any other. It was worse than the alienation, worse than the inability to find paid work. Worse even than the agonising pain he suffered when he transformed every full moon. The curse that forced him to continue to love the man who had betrayed him, the man who had been responsible for the deaths of so many innocent people.

When he and Sirius had lived together after they had finished school and some people found out what he was they had thought that Sirius was crazy for being in love with a monster. But now those same people would look at Remus and think he was the crazy one, because now Sirius was the monster.

~*~*~*~

Remus Lupin sat at his desk once more and gazed down at the map in front of him. He had suspected that Harry, Ron and Hermione would sneak out of school to see Hagrid before Buckbeak the hippogriff was executed and the map told him he had been right. 

He had been unable to believe his eyes when he saw the dot labelled Peter Pettigrew moving on the map and entering the willow along with Sirius and Ron. 

He had hoped beyond hope that maybe, just maybe Sirius would turn out to be innocent. Yet he had known that it was an impossible hope, an impossible dream – Sirius was guilty. Twelve long years of loving a guilty man and now suddenly he loved an innocent one.

He found he couldn't speak – his throat felt tight. He knew that if he died right there and then he would die knowing his lover was innocent.

Innocent! What a wonderful word. Sirius was innocent. He would be free. They would be free--Sirius of the threat of recapture, of the dementor's kiss, and he, Remus from his own prison sentence.  He was free to love Sirius again without hating himself for it.

~*~*~*~

It hadn't worked out like that though. Sirius wasn't free – Pettigrew had escaped. He, Remus had resigned returning to his life of alienation and poverty. Sirius had returned to hiding, afraid for his life, afraid of the nightmares that still haunted him–-nightmares of Azkaban.

He hadn't seen Sirius since the night Pettigrew had escaped. He had letters from him a few times but they had given nothing away. They were friendly, often funny, sometimes a little sad, but he never told Remus how he felt about him now. Over twelve years had passed and they were both afraid.

He wrote back often – yes he was fine, keeping busy. How is Harry? Give him my regards, that sort of thing. But never the words he should have written--never 'I love you', never 'I miss you'. And all because he was afraid. 

_I'm so alone tonight my bed feels larger than when I was small_

_Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets and old pillows_

_So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know_

_Miss the outline of your back. Miss you breathing down my neck_

Afraid? Afraid of what? Of love? Of happiness? Or was he afraid of Sirius? – that was closer. He was scared Sirius would not want him back.

After all, Sirius must know, mustn't he? He knew that werewolves mated for life. He was an expert on werewolves as a matter of fact--he'd had to have been. He lived with one for years.   
  


Yes, Sirius must know that Remus still loved him. Sirius just didn't want him anymore.

It didn't occur to him that Sirius might have forgotten, that Sirius didn't know or that Sirius was scared too. Twelve years was a long time.

~*~*~*~

A mountainside cave – somewhere near Hogsmeade 

  
He had sent him another letter, always the same ending--'Best Wishes, Remus' or occasionally 'Best Wishes, Moony'. Never 'Love' or anything like it. Remus didn't want him back – Remus didn't love him anymore. Sirius might have remembered that werewolves mate for life but that in itself did not mean anything. He didn't want Remus to want him simply because of some wolfish instinct. He wanted Remus to love him for him, to love him because he wanted to be with him not because he was drawn to him to by the forces of nature.

When he reflected upon this he realised that perhaps Remus had not genuinely loved him in the first place. He had been obliged to be with him because Sirius had been his first partner and therefore, according to the laws of nature, his only partner.

  
He loved Remus. He had loved him for as long as he could remember. The thought of Remus had kept him sane in Azkaban, along with his knowledge of his own innocence. The thought that his lover now believed him to be a spy and a traitor had not been a happy thought and had remained with him, something to fight for. Remus deserved to know the truth eventually. Remus would be hurting terribly thinking he had loved someone so awful. He didn't want Remus to hurt. He loved him, wanted to protect him. After all, that is what you do when you love someone--protect them from hurt and danger. Sirius was determined to do that for Remus and Harry both.

 Maybe he should just swallow his pride and visit Remus. He could tell him that he loved him and wanted to be with him. Yeah, and Remus could politely show him the door. 

Maybe there was a chance for them though; he didn't _know_ that Remus didn't love him – he just feared the worst. Maybe Remus did love him; maybe Remus did want to be with him. He'd spent twelve years of his life in Azkaban, he could take the risk of rejection, couldn't he? Remus and he would still be friends no matter what. They were the last Marauders left. They owed it to the memory of James not to let anything further divide them.

The journey to Remus' cottage was long and arduous for Sirius; Buckbeak was becoming increasingly weak through a lack of sustenance and was unable to fly with Sirius for long periods. However, the thought of seeing Remus again was enough to sustain him through the difficult periods of his journey. Time and time again he tried to picture Remus' response to the declaration of love Sirius intended to make when he arrived. He tried to reassure himself that Remus would be happy, that he would want him back. But the images of Remus throwing his arms around him and pulling him close just wouldn't come. Instead they were replaced with visions of Remus slamming the door in his face, or alternatively but no less painfully, telling him that he just didn't love him anymore – that werewolf notwithstanding, he had been able to overcome the forces of nature and fall in love with someone else. Okay, so that wasn't likely. He suspected that Remus would have mentioned a partner in his letters if there was one. Remus wasn't cruel he was honest and kind, he was noble – he did what was right.

 Finally he arrived. He was right outside the door to Remus' cottage and he found that he was scared to raise his fist to knock. It was ridiculous--this was Remus, the man he had slept naked next to every night for 5 years. This was the man he had once covered in whipped cream before removing it with his tongue.  Yet here he was standing shaking like a kid on his first date.

He transformed into Padfoot and padded round the back of the cottage only to find that Remus was sitting in garden. He was sorting through a sheaf of papers in his papers in his lap. Suddenly, a gust of wind caught one and blew it away out of Remus' grasp. Remus jumped to his feet and hastily stuffed the other papers into his briefcase before making a grab for the errant piece of paper, which continued to evade him. Sirius saw it float towards him and leapt into the air, catching the paper between his teeth and trotting over to Remus. 

The expression on Remus' face was unreadable; he stood and stared at the dog that was Sirius for a few minutes before breaking into a smile and patting him.

"Hello Padfoot." He said quietly, struggling to keep the longing out of his voice, which was throatier than usual.

Sirius transformed back into a man and returned Remus' greeting. They stood for what seemed like days just looking at each other – both afraid to move – afraid of the words that needed to be said.

_Say the words. Why don't you say the words? I have been waiting long to hear._

"You look tired. Why don't you come inside and have a nap and I'll fix you something to eat?" Remus said finally breaking the silence, Sirius nodded his assent and followed Remus into the house.

As Sirius walked into the small but cosy cottage, he had an overwhelming sense of having come home.

Sirius watched Remus busy himself in the kitchen for a few for a few moments. His movements were so familiar to Sirius, but at the same time there was a slight sense of awkwardness in the air.   
Remus' movements were slow, deliberate – he seemed reluctant to complete his task. He would have to turn and face Sirius, and he wasn't at all sure he could trust his face not to betray him.  He was sure the moment he turned around he would be unable to stop himself crushing his lips against Sirius' warm mouth.

He felt fingertips gently brushing against his shoulder. He turned slightly. Sirius was right behind him. Remus could feel his breath, warm against his neck. Sirius' mouth was so close to his skin.

//Kiss me. Please kiss me//

Remus prayed silently, still too scared to turn fully and face Sirius.

Sirius seemed to be experiencing the same agony of indecision – every fibre of his being was crying out 'kiss him, kiss him, touch him'. He could smell Remus' familiar scent, felt intoxicated by his closeness.

Before he could stop himself, before he had time to register what he was doing, Sirius placed his hands gently on either side of Remus' head. Turning his face towards him then, he very slowly planted his lips on Remus'. The kiss was tentative at first, hesitant. He was still frightened--afraid of Remus' rejection, but when it didn't come, when he felt Remus' mouth moving under his own, he deepened the kiss.

Sirius felt his heart give a huge leap as he and Remus kissed. Remus still loved him. Remus still wanted him. He could feel his body responding to the kiss, his cock was slowly hardening, his pulse quickening.  Even after many years apart, Remus still knew how to arouse him, inflame him.

Remus' tongue explored his mouth with a leisurely passion and Sirius' thoughts drifted unbidden to the first kiss they had ever shared many years previously.

~*~*~*~

_It had been in a Potions lesson of all places; still, he was Sirius Black and not known for behaving as convention dictated. _

_Peter's cauldron had exploded, sending greenish liquid flying all over the room to settle on most of the twenty or so students as well as an extremely irate Potions Professor. When some semblance of calm had been restored, the Professor had ordered all those affected by the potion spillage to follow her to the hospital wing for treatment. The only two who had managed to avoid being hit by the errant potion were he and Remus. As the Professor's head disappeared through the door she called out a warning to the two of them to behave or else face detention for the rest of the term.  _

_As the door shut behind her, Sirius turned to face his friend who was sitting just inches away from him looking extremely uncomfortable.  It was now or never, he had to tell Remus how he felt about him. He had to or he would go crazy. But it wasn't going to be __easy--not when_ _Remus was looking so beautiful and so very vulnerable._

_"What's wrong Moony?" Sirius had asked. When Remus did not reply, he had edged a little closer and snaked an arm around his friend's waist. Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat but Sirius edged still closer, concern written all over his handsome face._

_"You look like you're scared of me, Moony. Why?" He knew that he should give Remus some space, knew that he was being __unfair, but_ _he didn't care. He wanted to be close to Remus. He needed to be close to Remus; it was what he had been longing for._

_  
__"Remus...I--" __Sirius had begun but Remus had stopped him._

_"Don't, Sirius. I think I know what you are going to say and I don't want to hear it." It had been a lie, it was exactly what he wanted to hear but he wasn't sure how long Sirius would mean the words for and he needed them to _forever. _He couldn't risk it. He just couldn't._   
  
__

_"I don't understand. I thought you felt the same way as I do but it seems like I was wrong." Remus couldn't stand to see the look of pain in Sirius' eyes._

"You weren't wrong, Sirius. It's just there is something you have to know about me before anything can happen between us, it wouldn't be fair otherwise." Remus paused and swallowed hard before continuing. He was looking directly at Sirius now; gold-flecked eyes fixed on Sirius' pale blue ones. Sirius thought that he had never seen anything more beautiful than Remus right at that moment.

_"__As you know, I am a werewolf. But what you might not realise_ _is that werewolves mate for life. If we get together, you will be my mate for life. I will be bound to you __for the rest of my life and yours. This is serious, and so you have to be. __That's why I am not sure. I don't want to get you involved in something you might not be able to handle. I don't want you to feel obliged. I want you to love me for me, because you want to love me, not because you feel some sense of duty ten years down the line. I love you Sirius, but I'm not prepared to risk what we have now on the off chance that we might be able to make it work. I need to be sure and I don't think it is fair to force you to make that sort of decision at sixteen." Remus turned away, his eyes filling with tears. He knew he had done the right thing. He couldn't just let Sirius kiss him no matter how much he wanted him to, not without knowing the full implications._

_"Remus." Sirius was speaking to him. He looked at Sirius quickly but then looked away again, worried that he wouldn't be able to control himself. The full moon was not far off and control was always harder to muster as it approached. Too many minutes looking at Sirius and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself, kissing him, taking him, the wolf wanted to claim his mate. But did the mate want to be claimed?_

_"Remus?" Sirius said again, more urgently this time and Remus turned to face his friend, eyes wary ready to turn away when his feelings started to get the better of him._

_"I love you, Remus. I have for almost as long as I have known you and I can't see that changing. I know that werewolves mate for life, how could I not? When you told James and I about your being a werewolf I read everything I could find about werewolves and that's when I found out. I would be honoured to be your mate. I can't think of anything I would want more. I need you, Remus. I can't imagine life without you; I want to be with you when we are old and grey. I want to have a family with you – please believe me. I need you." Sirius' eyes shined with tears as he spoke and he made no attempt to wipe them away as they began to course down his face. _

_"Do you mean it?" Remus asked, unable to keep from grinning as he saw Sirius nod slowly, his eyes fixed on Remus. "I love you, Sirius." _

_Sirius did not reply, he simply placed a hand under Remus chin and tilted his head back a little, pulling him closer with his other hand, then he softly placed his lips on Remus'. The tears continued to fall as the two of them kissed, sitting at their desk in the Potions classroom, surrounded by chopped ingredients and the powerful stench of Peter's spilled potion_ _Not that they noticed any of this. Sirius' tongue slipped into Remus' mouth and Remus' slid to meet it, to intertwine with it._ _Their passion increased until Remus was practically lying on the desk, Sirius' textbook having been knocked to the floor. They were so wrapped up in each other they didn't notice the door opening and only stopped kissing when Professor Finlay's appalled voice separated them abruptly._

_"Just what do you think you are doing?" Neither Sirius nor Remus succeeded in looking suitably abashed which only served to irritate their teacher further._

_"Fifty points from Gryffindor! Never in my entire teaching career have I seen such a display. You will both have detention for a month." Seeing the look that Sirius and Remus __exchanged, she added, "Separately! __  
__Now sit down all of you." She turned to the rest of the class._

_"Old Bat's only annoyed because she isn't getting any." Sirius muttered under his breath to Remus who grinned in reply._

_After the potions lesson had finished, the two of them had found themselves surrounded by interested people wanting to know if their kissing meant they were now an item. Sirius' eyes found Remus' and Remus nodded slowly, his heart pounding in his chest._

_"Yes I am sorry to announce that Remus Lupin is now very much taken. I know that many of you will be disappointed but all I can say is hard luck, I got there first." Sirius was beaming, his arm round Remus' shoulder, eyes alight as he held the smaller boy to him._

_James bounded over to the two of them as the crowd dispersed, his expression almost as delighted as theirs. He threw his arms around the pair of them and hugged them tightly.  Over James' shoulder Sirius could see a pair of dark eyes watching them closely, these eyes held no warmth – they were cold and hard and full of hatred and longing – the eyes of Severus Snape. Only Sirius saw the look and he mouthed for Severus' eyes only  "Mine! Too late, he's mine and I am his!" Sirius' eyes shone and at last Snape turned away._

_"I knew you would get together eventually. I just knew it!" James was expounding enthusiastically.  He grinned wickedly at them before adding. "At least now I might get some useful help from my partner-in-crime again, instead of him moping about and asking me constantly if I think you like him." Sirius scowled and whacked James playfully. James made to retaliate in kind but as he moved to do so Remus' gentle voice cut in, "James, I would appreciate it if you didn't hit 'my boyfriend'." His tone was playful but Sirius' heart leapt as he took in the words my boyfriend. It was true he was Remus' boyfriend and he couldn't have been happier._

~*~*~*~

"Sirius?" Remus' soft voice cut into Sirius' reminiscing and he looked up into his friend's warm, brown eyes.

"You were miles away?" Remus' tone was gentle, yet curious. He didn't want to force Sirius into telling him anything he didn't want to. His years in Azkaban must have left terrible scars--scars that would never heal, like the one the wolf had left on his shoulder so many years ago.

Seeing Remus' concerned expression, Sirius smiled. "Don't worry Moony, my love. I was just thinking about our very first kiss on the desk in the potions lab, on a Thursday afternoon." Remus gaze shifted to the calendar on the wall.

"Today is Thursday." He said smiling.

_Please fall in love with me___

_Ease your lips into a velvet kiss while I enfold you_

_Move your hands across this Promised Land, the seekers guided by the pole star._

_Say the words. Why don't you say the words? I have been waiting long to hear._

Please fall in love with me 

_Drift with me upon an endless sea, we are divine in the realms of these senses_

_Every move has been a subterfuge while we pretend that we really don't care._

_Lose your fear we may be strangers here but I can feel we might be warm_

_Please fall in love with me_

_I hear the sound of moons calling, surrender to this charm_

_I breeze across your soul darling, deep eternity._

_Lost your mind, well don't you think its time to swim away from the safety of these beaches. Trust the tides they know which way to flow and don't you long to flow so far._

_Moved by waves we've never felt before till we are floating way out deep_

_Please fall in love with me_

_Please fall in love with me_

_Repeat to fade_

_With me_

_With me_

Out To Get You 

_I'm so alone tonight my bed feels larger than when I was small_

_Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets and old pillows_

_So alone tonight miss you more than I will let you know_

_Miss the outline of your back. Miss you breathing down my neck_

_They're all out to get you once again_

_Repeat_

_Insecure, what you gonna do?_

_Feel so small they could step on you_

_Called you up, answer machine_

_When the human touch is what I need_

_What I need_

_Repeat 4 times_

_Is you_

_I need you_

_Looked in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore_

_The face is familiar but the eyes, the eyes give it all away._

_They're all out get to you once again_

_They're all out to get you here they come again_

_Here they come again_

_Repeat 6 times_

_Insecure, what you gonna do?_

_Feel so small they could step on you_

_Called you up, answer machine_

_When the human touch is what I need_

_What I need_

_Repeat 6 times_

_Is you_

_What I need_

_Is you_

_What I need_

_Is you_

_If you let me breathe, if you let me breathe_

_Repeat to fade _

_They're all out to get you once again_

Repeat to fade 


End file.
